valley_fires

I like my plan so far.

I have lost my voice.  I remember finding it once, a long time ago, in North Carolina.  I wish I could remember how to find it again.

I am mesmerized by a story I just read: "The Real Thing" by Henry James.  I've read it twice.  It is so quietly sad.  And, there is something there about 'the real thing' that speaks to me.  I haven't quiet gotten there yet, but I'm reading it again today.

Work:
The semester finished up alright.  I had more students fail than I would have liked, but I don't think it was more than is normal.  I'm still waiting for the end of an issue w/ a student who wants an incomplete instead of an F - we'll see how it goes.  Fisk starts next week and TSU starts the 15th.  Two of my classes have low enrollment, so my fingers are crossed.  I've got a lot of work to do before the semester starts, but all in all I'm looking forward to it.

The Holidays:
Christmas was fun.  We spent the weekend before Christmas in Kingsport then flew to Rochester, NY to visit Patrick's family.  We flew, which was awful.  The trip itself was fun, though.  We went ot Niagara Falls and we visited with Patrick's family a lot.  We flew (terrible again) back to Kingsport on Christmas day and spent the rest of our time w/ family and friends.  All in all, it was a very fun holiday.  New Years's Eve was also fun.  Some friends came to visit and Patrick made a big breakfast for everyone on New Years Day.  It was a good way to start off the new year. 

Relationships:
Things with Patrick are great.  I am constantly happy that I have him in my life.  The family is good.  Friends are good - I miss my girlfriends, but that is nothing new. 

Other:
Life has been relativly drama-free, which makes me happy.  Other than a few minor incidents, my days are happy and full.  I'm still not writing, but I'm reading more.  Though I have to say, reading has not been very inspriring to me lately.    I've come to enjoy cleaning, which is weird.  Kate (Doug's girlfriend) is coming to live with us for a couple weeks starting in Feb.  I'm excited about that.  I think we're going to go to Knoxville w/ Carolyn and my Mom for Valentines Day.  I've got to think of a present for Patrick's birthday (Feb. 23). 

That's all for now.  It is late and I want to join my slumbering boyfriend in our big bed. 

I am like a piece of black, torn rubber, a busted car tire, lying on the side of the road.

I am like my grade book: sloppy and incomplete.

My cat is attacking a carboard box in which she is laying.  If she is sucessful, she will fall approxamatly three feet to the floor.  She keeps attacking.  I am like my cat.  Or, maybe, the cardboard box......

I woke up at 7:15 this morning.  I usually leave my house for class at 7:15.  Consequently, I forgot to bring something to read/do while I'm here at the Writing Center (because lord knows no students will come in.....).  I'm supposed to be here until 12:30 - two more hours.  I might just leave.  It is so pointless.  And, I found out I do have to continue coming during Exam Week, which is absolutly ridiculous.  If no one's come during the semester, no one will come during Exam Week.  I'm meeting with the Provost tomorrow to discuss 'how they can help me do my job better.'  At first I was afraid, but now the slightly veiled insult just pisses me off.  What the fuck do they expect me to do here with my one-woman show??  I don't even have access to a copy machine.

Right now, I should be excited because only a few short hours (one class) remain until I am free for Thanksgiving.  And I love Thanksgiving.  I love seeing my family.  I love eating fried turkey and creamed corn.  I even love football, both professional and flag.  But I am not excited.  I am grumpy.  I am grumpy that Patrick does not get off until 1 or 2 tomorrow, meaning we will not get to Kingsport until late.  I am grumpy I still have Research Papers to grade (mostly because about a third of my students decided to turn them in late).  I am grumpy because I've spent all day haggling with my students over grades.  I am grumpy because I have no money.  I am grumpy.

I'm trying to buck up and stop being a whiny shit.  It is not working.  I have decided to spend the six dollars to buy cheap wine on the way home tonight (six dollars is a lot to me right now) and I plan on drinking most, if not all, of it.  Maybe that will help......

Two terrifying meetings tomorrow have me stressed out.  Not to mention grading many, many research papers.  I am trying not to think about it.  I haven't exercised in three days; that doesn't help.  I just want this week to be over.  It is almost over.  I keep repeating.  It it almost over.  Mantra anyone? It is almost over.

"You've got the government hauling all the Section 8 people out, because all the rich people want to move in.  Then you've got all the white people....sorry Ms. Cox....coming in and taking over the neighborhood."

Good stuff.

Just a few notes.
Men are insane and I will never understand them.  Except for my boyfriend who, though he sometimes teases me a bit too much, is mostly pretty easy for me to get. 
I do mean it when I say that I want to be a good teacher and that education is important, but sometimes I just want to sit on the couch and watch silly tv.  And sometimes I just want to give the student the C that they are going to get anyway, which is terrible and absolutely against my teaching philosophy.
Sometimes my cat attacks me for no reason, and it makes me sad.  They are viscous attacks, and they hurt, but more than that it makes me feel unloved.  This is ridiculous, and now I sound like a crazy cat lady, but it's there none the less. 
I cannot wait for Thanksgiving.  I can't wait to see my cousins.  I can't wait to play some ping pong.  I can't wait to eat some Turkey. 
We bought our tickets to Rochester for Christmas.  I was a little sad when I clicked the 'purchase' button, because now there is no turning back.  I will not be with my family for Christmas Eve.  I will miss the Christmas Eve party.  I think I just need to mourn this, and then I'll be ready to enjoy the holidays.   (Mock my dramatics if you want, but I have not missed a Christmas Eve party in 15 years and tradition is important). 
I hate when my boyfriend falls asleep on the couch.  I don't know why. 

 

What was supposed to be a quiet evening last night - with Patrick watching football and me reading a book - turned into a plumbing nightmare. 

The plot: Patrick, upon attempting to wash dishes, discovered that our kitchen sink was clogged.  Both sinks were at least half full of dirty dish water.  We tried draino.  Waited half an hour.  Nothing.  Then we decided to try to fix the problem by poking a clothes hanger down the drain.  It's worked many times with the bathroom.  So, Patrick began poking, and, within about thirty second, dirty draino water began rushing from the pipes underneath the sink.  Patrick froze.  Water poured.  I grabbed towels and threw them onto the floor, which did nothing.  I tried to piece the tubes back together - crappy, plastic tubes that look like they are thirty years old.  I got draino water all over me, my hands, clothes, face.  It was disgusting, and slightly painful as draino is really abrasive.  The entire two sink fulls of water spread the legnth of our kitchen. 

This happened, by the way, around 11:30 pm.  So, by the time I'd cleaned up the kitchen and Patrick had fixed the pipes, it was almost 2:30am.  Not to mention the draino ruined all our towles.  It was exhausting, kind of funny, but also not really.  Our house is falling apart and I've still not heard word one from our landlord.  Anyway, tonight we're going out and getting drunk.  Staying home is too damn dangerous.

 

It's amazing how quickly time goes.....

I've been a bit lax again in my journaling.  But not much has transpired between Oct. 9 and now.  Graham came to visit and that was nice.  I really enjoy having Graham around.  He interviewed for another job.  Haven't heard if he's been called back.  Ryan came to visit for a few days as well.  Also fun.  Classes are going well.  I am being observed on Oct 4th, and not really looking forward to it.  But I have tried to be positive in my emails to Dr. MC, and I'm trying to be positive about it mentally.  There's no getting out of it, so not much point in worrying about it.
Things with Patrick are wonderful.  I am the kind of happy that can only be described as ridiculous.  I think sometimes we might be one of those annoyingly happy couples, but I don't care.   Things at home are good.  My little sister did really well at a big horse show.  My little brother goes 90 miles at hour at WM, and he seems to be happy.  Dad and Karen are good - except for my little sister going out on a date tonight, that is.  I talked to Dad for a while tonight.  He seemed a bit weird when I asked him about Thanksgiving plans.  I asked about Patrick staying at the house and bringing the cat.  He said he'd have to check w/ Karen.  It was kind of strange.  Usually, he would have just said yes.  But maybe he was being a pc husband.....  Come to think of it, I do recall two instances, one overt and one covert, in which they were fighting.  They never fight, that I was ever aware of.  I hope they are okay.....But I'm sure they are.
Mom and Keith are good.  Their house is coming along very quickly.  I hope that doesn't mean that it will have fallen down by 2010.  Doug, as far as I know, is good.  I don't hear from him much.  I talk to Carolyn pretty frequently.  Tate and Logan are both doing really well in school.  I want to try to see them soon.  I would go this weekend, except I am broke.  I have sixty bucks to last me until next Friday, when I get paid.  At least i"m getting two paychecks this week.  TSU is fucking annoying.  How can you not pay someone until 2 months into the job??
I think Fisk is looking to hire someone perm.  I hope I get the job.  That would be great.
That's about it.  I believe it can be summed up by saying: am very happy, except for when I am not.

It makes for a beautiful day.  It is a brisk 65 degrees outside, with a soft sun and a slight breeze.  There are still no brightly turned leaves, but I can feel them coming.  This weekend I've already got hikes and pumpkin picking planned.  As for my students, it is wonderful when class goes well, my students are involved, and it actually seems that I might be making a difference somewhere in this world.  There are many parts to this pretty puzzle.  First, its nice simply to feel that I'm doing a good job and that, in fact, I am a good teacher.  I haven't felt that in a while.  And, it is refreshing to find that my students do actually have a pulse and, more importantly, that they actually care about something.  Secondly, days like today help me down the path of figuring out what I should be doing with my life.  (Yes, I thought I had that figured out two years ago, but apparently I didn't... Which, of course, leads to the argument that I could be wrong about this too, but mistakes create learning and growth, or so they say).  I do believe that our country needs serious help, and I believe that education is the key to making things better.  I've thought this for a long time.  What I'm thinking today is that, for now, I need to focus on becoming a better teacher.  (Today was good, but previous days have not been.  Consistency is key).  This will take, at least, a couple years.  From there, I can figure out how to go about teaching - when, where, to whom - in order to bring about the most good/change.  Part of the issue is that I believe drastic changes need to be made.  Volunteering at a soup kitchen or adult ed center is good, but that is working within the constructs that cause the problem.  What we need: disolve those constructs.  Then we will be making real progress.  

That's all I've got so far.  Check in next week (or month) for further developments.
*Note - it's easy to believe change is possible when you are in love with the world.   

So, clearly I drank too much on Friday.  But after the day from something worse than Hell on Thursday, I think it was necessary.  Saturday I literally did nothing.  Well, okay, not literally nothing.  I laid in bed for what will now be called Cry Fest 08 and watched Titanic, Brokeback Mountain, and Extreme Makeover Home Edition (a marathon).  I think I cried for 8 hours straight.  It was lovely.

Sunday I spent too much money at Target, most of it for baskets to organize my bathroom closet.  It was worth it.  My closet looks like heaven.  And I graded my students' personal narratives.  Never again will I assign the personal narrative.  They are interesting to read, but I now know way too much about my students. 

No class at Fisk today; it is Jubilee Day.  So, I'm going to a TSU Department meeting at 3, and then I plan on grading my students' summary papers.  I am afriad. 

All I want is diet coke and doritos.  I hate liquor.

The day just continues:

Scene: TSU, English Department Building, Small bathroom on the third floor.  We open the scene with Jessica in the stall who realizes simultanesouly 1. that she has started her period early and 2. that she does not have a tampon.

Jessica: Shit....Fuck
Voice on the other side of the stall: Are you okay?
Jessica: Yeah.  Do you have a tampon?
Voice: Ms. Cox?
(Jessica's face turns red, chargrined)
Voice: Hey Ms. Cox, it's Akilah.  (A Pause)  What are we doing in class today, Ms. Cox.
Jessica: Summary paper.  Akilah, do you have a tampon?

The horror.  The fucking unbelievable ridiculous horror. 

So far this morning the following things have happened: I woke up late and after twenty minutes of trying to find something acceptable to wear to class, I spilled coffee on my shirt; my cat ate my bagle; I tripped up the stairs in front of two of my students; the dumb-shit photocopy people messed up my photocopies, resulting in my having to carry a twenty pound stack of papers around campus; I dropped the papers; I was late to the Writing Center; I had to edit a thirty page PowerPoint Presentation, that was in serious need of revision, editing, and proofreading. 

Seriously, that is a ridiculous amount of bad things to have happened, before noon no less!  I better win the lottery this afternoon, or at least have a plesant 1pm class (I'm more likley to win the lottery - the lottery I haven't played in since 2001) to make up for this freaking out of control morning.

At least it is Thursday.  Is it too early for wine?  Is teaching class slightly typsy a bad thing? 

I can't figure out how to work this spell checker.  Mistakes abound.  Sorry......

So, it's been damn near a month since I wrote last.  I have a really hard time with keeping up with my life.  I always have.  To update: Brad is no longer living at our house, which is nice; I recently had a birthday, and Patrick was impressivly attentive, also nice; school is going well and, for the most part, I am enjoying it.  That's really about it.  Right now I am sitting at my computer, looking out my open, dark window imagining someone looking back at me.  It is really creepy, and I should close the blinds.  I've also had about four glasses of wine and two margaritas.  My Mom and Step-dad are visiting.  I am currently hooked on this HBO show, True Blood.  It is really cheesy.  And, you never realize how much sex there is in a show until you watch it with your parents......
Patrick is in Knoxville for a football game.  I plan to spend the weekend catching up on school work and working on a story.  Because, supposedly, I am a writer....  At least in theory.
Mostly, I am happy but I miss my friends and I miss the life I had before, eventhough for the most part I was not happy when I was living it.  I think I am just feeling lonley.  Proabley becuase of the wine. 
My brother and sister visited last weekend.  Doug spent Saturday night with us, and my sister's kid, Tate, spent the night as well.  It was really a good time.  I like hanging out with my nephew.  He is eight, but does not act like a kid at all.  He is funny and quirky and very intelligent.  He is the only kid I know that makes me think I may someday want to have a kid, too.  But only if he was like Tate. 
Gertrude is doing well, although she scratched the shit out of me earlier today.  It was so bad, for the first half hour I really thought I was going to have to get stitches.  The thing about the cat though, is that she will climb into my lap and lay there as if my lap were not mine, but hers, as if the part of me between knees and bellybutton has nothing at all to do with me but exists only as a place for her to curl into herself, feet between her front paws.
I think I am officially drunk now, so I must go to bed.  I will try to not be so wayward in my journaling.   

I must add from last night, it is entirley possible that what I am feeling is, in fact, not cultural and has nothing to do with being Southern.  Perhaps no other Southern women feel like this at all.  Perhaps it just makes me feel better to make the issue a larger, cultural one, than to simply think about it in terms of me, and my life....